Collywood Job

Getting job in Collywood is like choosing from many girlfriends, though u get the most beautiful, understanding, intelligent , sexy etc...................

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But , still u feel the pain of losing the other ones .

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood New Dialouge

One Collywood employee : mere pass bada ghar hai, badi gadi hai, achi salary hai, branded kapde hai, saal mein do baar foreign tour karta hu, ehh tere pass kya hai ???

Second employee : mere pass chota ghar hai par EMI nahin hai , mere pass choti gadi hai par bina EMI ki hai, chota mobile hai Woh bhi EMI mein nahin hai, credit card ki bhi full limit baki hai, aur sab se jyada ek ache boss hai jo waqt par ghar jane dete hai aur family ke saath time bitane dete hai !!! Lol...

Collywood Rocks !!!

Reality

Collywood Reality :
An employee does exceptional work, gets accolades, awards, promotions , kudos etc etc etc.

Then some sting operations happen, internally or externally, and the same employee is screwed / kicked out of organization ..... Lol

I wonder why the same was not found, or was it was ignored, since all the praises would have not been awarded at all levels.

Still Collywood Rocks !!!

Moral : to be doing nothing, earning all praises & escaping the pain, you should be sitting very high in hierarchy in Collywood ..... ;)

Collywood Success Mantras ( Old but True )

If you are not well informed in the job you might miss a great oppurtunity.

Always let your boss have the first say.

To be sitting & doing nothing , you must be sitting very very high up.

Bull shit may get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
Not everyone gets you out of shit is your friend.
& when you are in deep shit, it's better to keep your mouth shut.
Collywood Rocks !!!

Hindi Movie Dialouge rephrased for Collywood :

Movie "Wednesday" dialouge rephrashed for Collywood :

Manager : Tum kaun ho ????

Collywood Employee :

Kaun hu mein ?????? mein woh hu jo aaj commitment karne se darta hai, mein woh hu jo ghar jane se darta hai, yeh soch ke kahin ghar wale pehchaan ne se inkar na kar de...

Mein woh hoon jo aaj job change karta hai to sochta hia ki kahin recession mein mujhe company se naa nikal de...

Mein woh hoon jiski biwi use roz phone 10 baar karti hai aur bolti hai " kya kar rahe ho...?? kaam jyada hai kya ...?? thak gaye ho ...???

Woh mera haal puchne ke liye nahin, kaam kaisa chal raha hai puchne ke liye nahin, par woh janne ke liye ke mein feild mein kaam kar raha hu ya pressure mein akar kahin bethke daru pi raha hu...

Mein woh hu jo breakfat ke time per dinner, dinner ke time per lunch aur lunch ke time per breakfast kar raha hai..

Mein woh hu aksar fasta hai ... kabhi interview ke sawaal mein, kabi badi companiyo ke jaal mein, yah phir apne BOSS ke bawaal mein.

Kabhi aur kahin interview ki bheed dekho, to un mese koi bhi chehra dhundh lena...Woh Mein Hu.

I am just a stupid normal employee !!!!

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood current professionalism

2 best friends & collegues in the same company had gone for trekking & stayed in the jungle.

While roaming around both see a lion coming towards them.

1st Friend starts tying his shoe laces.

2nd Friend : what r u trying to do , do you think you can run faster than the lion.

... 1st Friends : All am I trying to do is run faster than you.

Moral : ???????????????? is it fair to write moral ??????????

Collywood Sea :

Sea is common for all
Some ( super bosses ) take pearls,

Some ( bosses ) take fishes,
Some( Generally we)  come out just with just wet legs!

World is common to all; what we get, is what we try for !!! so keep trying !!!!

Still Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Reality

A manager from top ranks met with a road accident & died.

His soul goes up & he finds God waiting for him.

God tells him that he was done is deed on earth & hence he wants to give him 2 choices of heaven & hell.

God tells him to go in the lift so that he can see the hell first.

The manager goes in the lift which takes him down down down to hell.

On reaching hell he sees good scenary, green grasses & party going on , when he gets near the party he find his past collegues & friends dancing & singing happily & enjoying the host of food & drinks, he also joins him & enjoys the same.

Now god asks him to visit the heaven

he again climbs the lift & goes up up up to heaven.

he enjoys the entire day playing harp with good atmosphere & scenery, enjoys best of food also.

God then asks him his choice....the manager promptly replies Hell.

The god tells him to board the lift to hell.

The manager climbs the lift & goes down down down to Hell.

When he reaches hell he finds barren land, worst of climate & people in torn rags.

Man get disappointed & shouts at god that he had cheated him.

God answers
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yesterday we were recruiting you
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today you are an employee !!!

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood : Do you want a Off ????

There are 365 days this year.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days avail...able.

With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only one day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!

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Still you want a off ?????????

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood after appraisal humour :

Manager : This is your revised salary structure , keep it confidential.

Employee : Don't worry sir , I am equally ashamed of it.

Lol !!!

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood - what managers do

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee".

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up".

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then ju...st walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee".

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway"?

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day.

Collywood Rocks !!!

A fundamental for success in collywood :

"If you do not like any rule just follow it, Reach the top and then Change IT..!!"

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Vintage

Shri Krishna Gita Saars was written for benefit for society & oneself , but current Collywood Scenario ( bosses ) have given meaning to it. ( Lol... I wished Shri Krishna would have worked in Collywood ) ( Friends this is just humour, no religious offence please ).

Tu karta vahi hai jo tu chahta hai
Par hota woh hai jo mein chahta hu
Tu wahi kar jo mein chahta hu
Phir vahi ho...ga jo tu chahta hai !!!!

Main kabhi kisi ke sath pakshpaat nahi karta,main keval dharm ka sath deta hoon.
Jo dharm ka acharan karta hai,woh mera apna hai aur jo adharm ka sath deta hai,wo mere liye paraya hai.

Jo hua,woh achchha hua,
Jo ho raha hai,woh bhi achchha ho raha hai,
Jo hoga,woh bhi achchha hi hoga....
Tum phal ki chinta chhodkar keval apna karm karo...............

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Current Scenario

Senior Manager working in Collywood , as usual after lunch goes to the cafeteria for coffee.

He relaxes in canteen. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there.

To Kill time he decides to have fun with him. He calls him.

Senior Manager Asks canteen boy : How much do you earn?

Canteen boy smiles.

Senior Manager- what are your future plans?

Canteen boy keeps quiet.

Senior Manager- where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?

Canteen boy gives a cold stare.

Senior Manager- Jab mai company mein degree leke aaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuch nahi tha.
Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai

naam hai...

shohrat hai...

paisa hai...

Izzat Hai...

tumhare paas kya hai?


(Scroll down to find out his answer)


Don't think that he answered like Shashi Kapoor of Deewar ki 'Mere paas Maa hain'

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Canteen boy - Sa'ab mere paas bahut KAAM hai... Jo Tumare pas naheen hai!

Senior Manager leaves the cafeteria silently.

Collywood still Rocks !!!

Collywood Post Appraisal Trauma ( gujarati )

Dhiraj Dhari Pan Fal Sara Na Malya,
Kahevu Hatu Pan Shabdo Na Sathwara Na Malya,
Kadar Karta Rahya Ame Akha Varsh Bijani,
Pan Afsos Amari Kadar Karnara Koi Na Malya....

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Reality

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life

How it changed from a maverick college life to strict professional life…...

How tiny pocket money changed to huge monthly paychecks
but then why it gives lesss happiness….

How a few local denim jeans changed to new branded wardrobe
but then why there are less people to use them

How a single plate of samosa changed to a full Pizza or burger
But then why there is less hunger…..

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed…..

How a bike always in reserve changed to bike always on
but then why there are less places to go on……

How a small coffee shop changed to cafe coffee day
but then why its feels like shop is far away…..

How a limited prepaid card changed to postpaid package
but then why there are less calls & more messages……

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life

How it changed…...

How a general class journey changed to Flight journey
But then why there are less vacations for enjoyment….

How a old assembled desktop changed to new branded laptop
but then why there is less time to put it on……….

How a small bunch of friends changed to office mate
But then why we always feel lonely n miss those college frnz.….

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed….. How it changed……..

Collywood Reality

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life

How it changed from a maverick college life to strict professional life…...

How tiny pocket money changed to huge monthly paychecks
but then why it gives lesss happiness….

How a few local denim jeans changed to new branded wardrobe
but then why there are less people to use them

How a single plate of samosa changed to a full Pizza or burger
But then why there is less hunger…..

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed…..

How a bike always in reserve changed to bike always on
but then why there are less places to go on……

How a small coffee shop changed to cafe coffee day
but then why its feels like shop is far away…..

How a limited prepaid card changed to postpaid package
but then why there are less calls & more messages……

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life

How it changed…...

How a general class journey changed to Flight journey
But then why there are less vacations for enjoyment….

How a old assembled desktop changed to new branded laptop
but then why there is less time to put it on……….

How a small bunch of friends changed to office mate
But then why we always feel lonely n miss those college frnz.….

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed….. How it changed……..

Corporate New Etiquittes ( New Ishtyle ) :

Now corporate meeting would include placards or you can say as mentioned :

If you want to wish in morning or evening or night say " GM or GE or GN"

IF you want to wish some one good day " say "GD"

If you like the presentation by the boss : show "Like" Placard

If your boss tell you the joke, which incidentally you can laugh on : say "LOL"

If the joke is too good : Say "ROFL"

If you want to ask something : say "BTW"

If you are frustated with what's is happening ; say "WTF"

Still if you are not satified then : show "$#^@" placard

To thank someone : say "TY"

To end the phone call & tell him bye " Say "TTY later"

To end the meeting with polite note : say "HND"

&

Last but not the least our Gujju's favourite lines
"JSK" or "JJ"

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Boss ( humour ) :

My boss pulled up his brand new car today and could not help but admire it.

"Nice Car", I said as he got out

"Well" he said noticing my admiring looks
then said
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" Work hard, put in hours & I will have a bigger one next year".

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Irony ( Humour ) :

Ur destiny by your employer is never decided according to what u perform.
eg: even diapers are thrown in dustbin after 100% result oriented work.
Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Salary Theorem :

A "Salary Theorem" states that "you can never earn as much as your bosses."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every Boss knows: Power = Work / Time and

since: Knowledge = Power and: Time = Money,

it is therefore true that: Knowledge = Work / Money

Solving this equation for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make

Collywood Rocks !!!

How Collywood Bosses are to be Interpreted :

1.”We will do it” means “You will do it”

2.”You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you”

3.”We are working on it” means “We have not yet started working on the
same”

4.”Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means “Its not getting done
... “At least not tomorrow!”

5.”After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views” means “I have already decided, I will tell you what to do”

6.”There was a slight miscommunication” means “We had actually lied”

7.”Lets call a meeting and discuss” means “I have no time now, will
talk later”

8.”We can always do it” means “We actually cannot do the same on time”

9.”We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline” means “The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.”

10.”We had slight differences of opinion “means “We had actually fought”

11.”Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help you” means “Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me”

12.”You should have told me earlier” means “Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!”

13.”We need to find out the real reason” means “Well I will tell you where your fault is”

14.”Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected,” means, “Well you know…”

15.”We are a team,” means, “I am not the only one to be blamed”

16.”That’s actually a good question” means “I do not know anything about it”

17.”All the Best” means “You are in trouble”

Collywood Rocks !!! :)

Collywood har level ki vedana ( People in every position feels this ) :

People in every position feels this  :

umar ki raah me jazbaat badal jate hai
waqt ki andhi mein halaat badaal jate hai
sochta hu kaam kar kar ke records tod du
lekin kambaqt salary dekh ke khayalat badal jate hai !!!

Collywood Rocks !!! :)

Current Collywood Scenario ( Gujju ) Good one :

Aakruti nahin aakar badlay che,

swabhav nahin vyavhar badlya che,

Sachvi ne rejo a duniya ma dosto

kem k ahiya jarurat puri thai....

etle pachi loko na bhagwan pan badlai che...

:)

Collywood Irony - Hindi

Garib dur tak chalte hai khane ke liye
Collywood wale dur tak chalte hai khana pachane ke liye

Kisi ki pass khane ke liye ek waqt ki roti nahin hai
Collywood walo ke pass roti khane ke kiye waqt nahin hai

Koi lachar hai is liye ke bemaar hai
Collywood wale bimaar hai is liye lacchar hai

Koi apno ke liye roti chod deta hai
Collywood wale roti ke liye apno ko chod dete hai

Enjoy Life Friends...Collywood Rocks !!!

Real Life v/s Collywood - Interpretations

Real Life : Work for Cause and not for Applause

Collywood : Work for applause...no one is bothered about the cause.

Real Life : Live life to express not to impress

Collywood : Always impress, there is no scope to express anything.

Real Life : Don't Strive to make your presence noticed, just make your absence felt.

Collywood : Just make your presence noticed , no one takes notice of your absence.

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Salesman

Top 16 indications that your are from sales :

16, you own a expensive smartphone , yet you hate it when it rings

15, you define "carrer cirsis" as "Market visit by top management"

14, your wallet is always filled with bunch of old resturant bills, train/bus/flight tickets.

13, your boss suspects you'hv been bunking work if your clothes don't look disshelved in the evening.

12, you develop an extinsive vocabulary filled with colourful vernacular adjectives.

11, you hate rains ( unless u r umbrella salesman )

10, your idea of "shit" happens when last day of the month falls on a sunday.

9,  you ask for commitment from your child for the marks he will get in his upcoming school exams.

8,  when you child scores 95% in the school , you shout at him for not having achieved 100% of target.

7,  you lauch when TV ads of face lotions talk about "protecting your comlexion from harmful sunlight".

6,  all family outings / functions, vacations are strictly to be planned between 1-15 of the month & and not above     3-4 days.

5,  the word "channel" does not remind you about television.

4,  you watched rocket singh with your entire family & gave them live commentry the entire movie.

3,  you survive on 6 glasses of chai & a dozen cigarrates everyday.

2,  while shoppig you irritate shopkeeper by asking questions.

1,  probably you lost ur v......... in bangkok.

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Humour

Boss & his subordinate were sitting down for a break outside their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no inventoried stock and only a few shelves set up.

Boss said to his collegue, “I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious a tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick accent asked “What you sell?”

Boss replied sarcastically, “We're selling idiots & lazy bums.”

Without skipping a beat, the tourist said, “You doing very well… with only u left !”

morale : Dont' be smart....

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Fact ( Current Scenario ) :

This is what really all would be doing in organizations these days Right!

1) blame it on others for his inability.
2) blame it on the economy.
3) blame it on the company policies & ideologies.

Still...

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Appraisal Humour for dedicated & hardworking employees

Boss: Arz kiya hai......... Office may Kaam hote hain... Galtiyon ka sama hota hai.... Aise mausam mein hi to PERFORMANCE jawan hota hai.... Dil ki khunnas BOSS jabaan se nahi kehte... Ye fasana to appraisal mein bayan hota hai....

Employee's reply... Arz kiya hai......... Appraisal hote hain... Disappointment ka sama hota hai... Aise mausam mein hi to Attrition jawan hota hai.... Dil ki khunnas HUM jabaan se nahi kehte... Ye fasana to appraisal ke baad se bayan hota hai....

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Humour

My boss told me to start my presentation with a joke
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I placed my Salary Slip in the 1st slide to be shown  :)

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood & Real Life Fact :

I was jogging one day & I found a person in front of me about 1/4 of a mile, I could tell that he was running a little slower than me & I thought , good I shall try to catch him.

So I started running faaster & faster, every block I was gaining on him just a little bit, after just few minutes I was only about 100 yards behind him, so I really picked up the pace & push myself, I thought I was running the last leg of olymics sprint.I was determined to catch him.

At last I went ahead of him & had a feel good factor in me, ofcourse the other person did not even knew that we were racing.

After I passed him , I realised that I was so engrossed & focussed in competing against him that I missed the turn where I had to go a way behind, & so I had to go all the way back.

This is reality which often happens with us, we are to focussed in competing with co-workers, neighbours, friends, family etc trying to prove we are more successful or important.

We forget that God has given us our destinies, but still we spent our time & energy in focussing on competing.

Still someone will be better than you in terms of job, careers, money etc etc.

We become insecure since we pay too much attention.

There is no competition in destiny, run your own race & wish others well.

Hindi Life fact - Good one

Kitabo ke panne paat ke sochte hai , yu palat jaye zindagi
to kya baat hai

tamman jo puri ho khwabo mein, haqikat ban jaye
to kya baat hai

sab log matlab ke liye dhundte hai ek doosre ko, bina matlab ke to aye
to kya baat hai

katal kar ke to sab le jayenge dil mera, koi baata ke le jaye
to kya baat hai

zinda rehne tak to khushi dunga sabko, kisi ko meri maut par khushi mile
to kya baat hai

Collywood Reality

There was a farmar who had a Horse & a Goat one day the horse became ill & had to call the vet.

Vet saw the horse & told " he has got a virus", need to take medicine for 3 days , if he does not get better, we need to put him down ( kill him).

Goat was listening to the conversation, he said to the horse, be strong my friend & get up , else they will put you to sleep.

2nd day the horse was given meicine, goat came back & said , come on buddy get up, you can do it else ur going to die. I will count 1,2,3 &  will get up...but in vain.

3rd day Vet saw the horse, gave him the medicine & told the farmer, if he does not get up today, the virus will spread ,so we need to put him to sleep tommorrow.

Goat motivated the horse, listen pal it's now or never, slowly get up I will help you, you can do it. I will count 1,2,3 & u have to get up.

Suprisingly the horse got up & started to run with motivation from goat.

The farmer was passing by & saw the horse with surprise, he was happy & shouted " It's a miracle, it calls for a party, lets cook the goat".

Moral : Today it oftens happens in workplace, nobody knows which employee actually deresves the merit of success.

Collywood Check

In todays world , word like moral,integrety,values,ethics etc etc are good in talking during interviews & in company's handbook.

In politics there is no place for these things & collywood has become a huge playground for people who know how to play & who want to learn it, else u r not worth to do a job.

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Success

Collywood success is like a fart
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bardasht tab hi hoti hai jab khud ki ho ;}
( it is bearable only if it is yours )

Collywood Rocks !!!

Life Lesson - Hindi

Kabhi Pehli baar school jaane mein darr lagta ta
       Aaj har rasta khud chinte hai !!
kabhi mummy-papa ki har baat sacchi lagti thi
       Aaj unhi se jhooth bolte hai !!
kabhi chooti si chot kitna rulati thi
      Aaj dil toot jata hai , phit bhi sambhal jate hai !!
Pehle dost bas saath khlne tak yaad the
     Aaj kuch dost jaan se zyada pyare lagte hai !!
Ek din tension ka meaning maa se puchna padta tha
     Aaj Tension soulmate lagta hai !!
Ek din jab pal mein rona aur pal mein manana to roz ka kaam tha
     Aaj ek baar juda jo huve to rishte toot jate hai !!
Sachi zindagi ne bahut kuch sikha diya,
               Jaane rab ne hame bada kyo bana diya.

Collywood Teamwork meaning :

Ur bosses would always say, there is no I in WE ,

but there is always I in praIse, apprecIation, Increments, promotIon, Incentives, trIps and not WE. :)

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Mystery

Everyone in this world make mistakes, very few people have art of finding them, remembering them & using them against u
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Ur Bosses

Beware appraisals time are near friends !!!

Collywood Rocks !!!

To be outstanding

It is said that to be need to be creative, smart etc etc etc...to be outstanding in Collywood.

word of caution

do not use the same against your bosses ...else you could be really out.......standing.!!!

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Signboard

Written at the reception of a Collywood Company :

"We dont pay you for having brains" , We " Reward" You for not using them "Intelligently" .

Collywood Rocks !!!

3 to-do's in collywood :

3 To DO's in Collywood :

1) Wake up
2) Survive ( money, family, happiness etc etc etc etc ).
3) Back to Sleep

Collywood Rocks !!!