Collywood Gujarati ( one of my favourites )

Dil puche che maru aare dost tu kya jai che ?
Jarak to nazar naakh, saame kabar dekhay che.

Na Vyavhar sachvay che , na tyohar sachvay che
Diwali hoi ke holi, badhu office maj ujvay che

Aa badhu to thik hatu, pan hadd to tya thay che
Lagna ni kankotri male, pan shrimant ma mand javai che

7 aankada no pagar che, pan pota mate 5 minute pan kya vapray che
Patni no phone 2 minute ma kapi , pan client / saheb no kya kapai che

Phone book bhari che mitro thi , pan koi ni hare kya vaat thay che
Have to ghar na prasango pan half day ma ujvay che

Koi ne khabar nathi aa rasto kya jai che
thaakhela che badha loko pan chalta jai che

koik ne saame rupiyo to koik ne dollar dekhai che
tamej kaho mitro shu aanej zindagi kehvai che

Dil puche che maru eare dost tu kya jai che ?

Collywood Fact :

I learnt to operate 3 critical machines
* Scanner
* Printer
* Xerox

I learnt to use 3 high end software
* Microsoft Excel
* Microsoft WOrd
* Microsoft Powerpoint

I learnt to use 3 great shortcuts
* ctrl + C
* ctrl + V
* ctrl + S

I learnt to say 3 important & Professional words
* Yes Sir
* Ok Sir
* I will do that sir

When I really wanted to quit, I learnt to :
* Wake up early
* Sleep Late
* Continue to work

I learnt to give reasons to my family, friends
relatives for not making
* Phone call
* Messages
* Mails

I learnt to celebrate these things far away from loved
ones
* Birthdays
* Festivals
* Good Occassions

In last year , people said
* You earned
* You learned
* You enjoyed

But when I compare myself , I
* Just survived
* Just sustained
* Just tolareted...for earning

When I learnt , I have boarded the wrong
train, I
* Learned to be Happy
* Learnt to Smile
* Learnt to rejoice

I learnt earning life & dreams can never meet
because
When they meet , both will loose their meaning.

Still , Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Equations

Hard work + Hard Luck : Looser
Smart Work + Good Luck : Winner
Hard Work + Good Luck : Winner
Smart Work + Hard Luck : Looser

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Super Humour !!!

Those people who know how to work,

" Will always get the job" .
&
Those people who think why to work,

" will always be the Boss ".

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood super one :

A truth " those who has power, his wrong would be considered as right ".

Moral : do whatever ur bosses would be always right.

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Old one but evergreen :

Bosses : Gentleman we need to get 10 Lacs of sales anyhow, do u understand ?

Employee ( on a loud note ) : Yes sir, I will do 20 Lacs.

Bosses : R U Joking ?

Employee : who started first !!! ;P ( chalu kiske Kiya tha !!! )

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood & Indian Politics similarity :

Come every business year end, Collywood turns to political drama, bosses think whom to give ticket ( good appraisals ) so that he supports me ( in bringing business or otherwise),

&

those people who do not get tickets, try to please their bosses ( I have brought business , I have supported u etc etc ) or either change party ( job ) or stay put thinking next year is sure.

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Relaxation Technique

As one country is famous for its body massage , Collywood is famous for Ego Massage,

Better the technique u use with ur bosses, the more relax u feel !!! ;)

 

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collwood Research 2 :

How companies do increase employee cost ?

They do not retain existing people , cos they cannot hike their pay ,
&
find new ones with higher costs ;)

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Research

A Research shows that
the percentage usage of brain of an employee depends on his position & the place he works ,
lower the position or smaller the city he works , has got least percentage of usage of brain, bcoz
.
.
.
.
The management does not allow them to use their brain....  ;p
Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Training Programme ( Humour )

NEW COMPANY PROGRAM - S.H.I.T.

I wanted to share with you a new program the company I work for is instituting. It is called 'Special High Intensity Training'. Here is the memo we received:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else does.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, because they are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any questions, please direct
them to our Head Of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Collywood Reality - Balancing

How do you balance your work life & personal life ?

You have to work professionally & not personally to balance the same.

If you want to balance both the lives, work by mind & not by heart.

Collywood Rocks !!!

Salutations

Collywood Reality :

We are so fascinated by the words Sir, Boss etc, that we fail to realise whether these words are from Heart or just from Mouth.

Collywood Rocks !!!

Today's time

Bosses talks now that "Fast & Furious wins the Race" but they always do not talk about , fast & furious are prone to accidents.

Since they want to go up the ladder in a Lift instead of climbing the stairs.

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Interpretation

When your boss says "Think out of the box"

It means...

Business is not happening inspite of everything, beg, borrow or steal do what ever it take to get business.

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Check

It is said " Aim for the moon , even if you miss, it will still hit the stars"...oops they didn't knew how can we hit the stars ( our bosses , since they are starts in the organisations) & am still finding the moon in clouded Collywood.
Collywood Rocks !!!

Rocket Principle

Most of our bosses work on 'Rocket Principle'....... That means they not only aim for sky, but
.
.
.
.
Start to notice us ( their subordinates )...,  when their tail is on fire.

Collywood rocks !!!

team

Reality : when manager achieves anything, there is no 'I' in a team.
Collywood Reality : when manager achieves anything, there is only 'I' & no team.

Collywood Rocks !!!

CSR

what is CSR ( Corporate Social Responsibility ) in Collywood ?
Yaar ................... Ek Ko dukhi kar ke doosre ko sukhi karna, ( to make one sad & then make other happy )

 

in this time Collywood should think of ESR ( Employee Social Responsibility )..... Collywood Rocks.

 

 

 

 

Prove

What is the best way to prove u r right & others are wrong ?
.
.
.
.
You should be sitting at top .!!! :)

Lesson 1

Collywood reality : Collywood talks about hardwork & patience, meaning
I do hard work
My boss does not have patience
.
.
.
And bloody hell 'luck' knocks next door.
Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood managers inspiration from Indian Advertising

From Maruti : Every employee is asked by his manager / management : Kitna Dega ?

From Airtel : Jo tera hai woh mera hai, jo mera hai woh mera hai.

Collywood Rocks !!!

Time

Collywood Fact :

When you time is good you inabilities are seen as abilities & vice versa.

Understanding

It is earier to understand life .....than......understanding bosses.

Learning ...

It is told that everyone learns much from Life & Nature....

I Presume they have not worked in Collywood...otherwise the terminoloy would be "Bosses".    ;)

God's still finding.

There was this executive who was hardworking, full of zeal & enthusiasm, his boss always motivated him to do more, supported him on every front, fought with management for his growth, did not play politics & was not self centered.
.
.
.
.
.
.then one day.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
nothing happened.
God came to earth to fund such type of boss.

collywood rocks !!!

Management's job

Employee : Sir, how are the targets distributed ?
Senior : you do not think that, that's management's job.

Employee : R we sticking to the values & mission of the company ?
Senior : you just do what is told, don't think, that's management's job.

Employee : Sir, How I will achieve this target ?
Senior : um........ start thinking , that's not management's job.

:P

Collywood reality

When you talk you are showing ATTITUDE.

when your seniors talk the same thing, they have logic behind it.

Moral : Do not use your brains before your senior does.

Collywood Fundas_New & Old

Collywood old funda : to go up in your life, u need to have patience & climbs the stairs one by one.

Collywood new funda : Why climb the stairs , when escalators & lifts are available.

Truth :
People do not know escalators & lift can stop anytime in between.

Get in !!!

This is a case of an executive who found himself unemployed when his company went through downsizing.

 When he asked "Why me", the manager who was this young person's superior explained that he was more of conservative kind in the way he did his job, the world is getting competitive, there are people in the organisation who look at things in a different angle, they take risks & when they take risks they know they will succeed, also your belief & attitude towards work & culture does not match with the expectations.

The executive tried to find jobs but was unsuccessful, then one day he met a retired circus tight rope walker, this two people had one thing in common, they had plenty of time on hand....the executive practised with him & become an accomplished tight rope walker.

He became so successful that the circus was invited to be televised at a charity event to be held at Niagara Falls.

The executive also invited his former boss for the same.

All went well with the event wherenin the executive walked on the tight rope with a wheel barrow.

"you can do it if you believe you can " said the former boss after congratulating the executive for his work.

The executive asked : do you believe that I can ?

the former boss said : ofcourse my dear, that's what I told , take risk when you believe you can deliver.

okay said the employee to his previous boss..."then get in the wheel barrow".

Collywood Reality

Do not get in fights/ debates with your superiors, they do not have anything to lose......but you will... :)

Collywood Truth

Hard work does not count in today's world , only figures count.

What u do does not matter, only matters is whether u get it or not.

Collywood Appraisal Truth

Dumb thing is to expect something in ur appraisals.

Dumber is that u do not get what u expect.

Dumbest is when we call for an explaination & see a carrot hanging on the stick ( which we had anticipated).

Collywood Rocks !!!!

Bosses !!!

Collywood Boss :
When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the amount of work that person is doing.    ;) Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Truth

Earlier version :
Spend money & save of relationships !!!

Today's version :
Spend relationships ( dude...they have no value ) & save on money.

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Deifinations !!!

OUTGOING PERSONALITY – Always going out of the office

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS – Spends lots of time on phone

ACTIVE SOCIALLY – Drinks a lot

INDEPENDENT WORKER – Nobody knows what he/she does

WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY – Too ugly to get a date

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS – Gets someone else to do it

HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES – Is tall or has a louder voice

EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT – Lucky

CAREER MINDED – Back stabber

LOYAL – Can’t get a job anywhere else

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION – Gets to work on time

EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL – Speaks English

RELAXED ATTITUDE – Sleeps at desk

;)

Employee feedback for his collywood boss !!

*Mr XYZ, my Boss, can always be found
*hard at work in his cubicle. XYZ works independently, without
*wasting company time talking to colleagues. XYZ never
*thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
*finishes given assignments on time. Often XYZ takes extended
*measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
*breaks. XYZ is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
*vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
*knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that XYZ can be
*classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
*dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
*promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
*executed as soon as possible.

A memo was soon sent following the letter:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.

Know yourself !!!

1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions.

10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action. 

....collywood rocks !!! ;)

Job Profile

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller,

One guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

 

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work as a Manager.   Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?" ;)

Collywood March Time !!!

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is “average”.
UMA: What? How come ‘average’?
Big Boss: Because…err…uhh…you lack domain knowledge.
UMA: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.
Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.
UMA: What???
Big Boss: Yes, I didn’t see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.
UMA: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.
Big Boss: This is what I don’t like about you. You give excuse for everything.
UMA: Huh? *Confused*
Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.
UMA: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on “Business Communication”, you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?
Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr…well..I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.
UMA: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*
Big Boss: See! That’s why you need to learn about it.
UMA: *head spinning*
Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.
UMA: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.
Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err…anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only ‘average’.
UMA: Last year that process gave me ‘excellent’. This year just ‘average’?Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?
Big Boss: That’s a complicated process. You don’t want to hear.
UMA: I’ll try to understand. Go ahead.
Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names ofsub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets ‘average’, whichever lands on table gets ‘good’,whichever we manage to catch gets ‘excellent’ and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets ‘outstanding’.
UMA: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets ‘poor’ rating?
Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.
UMA: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for’outstanding’?
Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!
UMA: *faints*
Note: U M A – U, Me or Anyone    !!!! Collywood Rocks !!! ;)

Relaxation Techniques !!!

Just sit back, relax, feel the tension leave your body ... picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Butterflies waft in the breeze. Leaves rustle. Nothing can bother you here. Nobody knows this secret place. You are in complete seclusion from that place called 'the office'. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water !!!

There now........ don't you feel better? ...collywood rocks ;)

Relaxation Techniques !!!

Just sit back, relax, feel the tension leave your body ... picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Butterflies waft in the breeze. Leaves rustle. Nothing can bother you here. Nobody knows this secret place. You are in complete seclusion from that place called 'the office'. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water !!!

There now........ don't you feel better? ...collywood rocks ;)

Victory in Collywood !!!

Victory in collywood :
there are 4 stages for victory in collywood ( read somewhere...thought worth sharing ).
1) They ignore you.
2) They make fun of you.
3) They attack you.
.
.
.
.
4) You Win.
Friends , keep you moral high, continue your good work...someone is watching & all good & harwork will be repaid sooner or later. collywood rocks !!! ;)

Offsite !

A team is given an assignment on offsite visit to measure the height of the flagpole, so they went with the leader ( who generally is the manager ) with ladder & tape, The manager tried but just fell off the ladder or dropped tapes & thing messed.

A young employee of the team sees what he is doing, tells the manager to step aside, pulls the flagpole off the ground, lays it flat & measures it.

He gives the measurement to the manager.

Manager : what a stupid guy he is ?  we were asked to measure the height & he gives us the length of flagpole !!!

Moral : No matter what good you do , the managers never appreciates someone smarter than him !!! Collywood Rocks !!!

Expectations !!!

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."  ;)

Language Problem ...

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

moral : When money speaks ...no one checks the language.

What matter it that who is your boss !!!

It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."
Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
Fox: "That's ridiculous ! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.

A bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd !"
Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"

Scene : As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion, who kills & eats the bear.

Management Lesson in the context of the working world: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU OR NOT

Collywood employee !!!

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young wealth managers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. xyz, are you an honest employee ?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my previous company lent me 150,000 , and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case in my next job."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.

The wealth manager squirmed in his seat and admitted, "they had sued me for the money."

Boss Baffled !!!

The Manager of a large company was scheduled to speak at an important presentation, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

A few minutes later when the Manager returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for." ;)

Self Insult

Boss shouting at employee : You Idiot, have you seen any donkey who comes to work, does nothing, shows attitude etc etc etc !!!

Employee looks down while listening ?

Boss : Why are you looking down....look at me :P

Cleaning the shit !!!

An manager walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, “I want coffee”.

The waiter says, “Sure Sir, coming right up”.

He gets the manager a tall mug of coffee, and the manager drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the manager returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “I want coffee”.

The waiter says, “Whoa, we’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway”?

The manager smiles and proudly says, “I am training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day.

The real worker !!!

It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you"
Fox: "Hmm... But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even more."
Lion: "Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed"
Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches"
Lion: "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed"

The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.

Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you"
Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV.
Lion: "No problem. Do you want to try it?"

The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.

Scene : Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.

Moral : IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.

Unwanted pretention.

A manager had just got his own beautiful cabin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the star manager he picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around ,made giant commitments, & asked lot of big questions.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
.
.
.
.
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." ;)

Star Performer Prize

The executive goes to his Boss who is standing in a field & ask's him :" What are you doing"
The Boss responds " I am trying to win star performer prize"
Executive puzzled : How ?
Boss  : The management has announced the prize to all who are out standing in the field. ;)

The Man , Donkey & Dog.

Good story with old version…

There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog.

One night when the whole world was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer man was fast asleep but the donkey and the dog were awake.

The dog decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and wanted to teach him a lesson.

The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn't bark, the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change his mind and the donkey started braying loudly.

Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for no reason.

Moral of the story " One must not engage in duties other than his own"
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
Now take a new look at the same story…

The washer man was a well educated man from a premier management institute. He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the donkey to bray in the night.

He walked outside a little and did some fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey only wanted to alert him about it.

Looking at the donkey's extra initiative and going beyond the call of the duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his favorite pet.

The dog's life didn't change much, except that now the donkey was more motivated in doing the dogs duties as well. In the annual appraisal the dog managed a " meets requirement" Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around.

The donkey was rated as "star performer". The donkey had to live up to his already high performance standards. Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now is looking for a job rotation…

After all Buziness is Buziness

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.

The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour r...eaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.

The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour.

"I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide.

It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!" ;)

Persuasion...

A parrot goes to a shopkeeper and asks ... 'Aam hai kya?'
The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi. Hum Aam nahi bechte.'

Next day at the same time, the parrot goes again and asks him ...'Aam hai kya ?'
He gets a little irritated and says... 'Aare Bola na, Hum 'Aam nahi Bechte'
...
On the third day, the parrot goes again and asks him 'Aam hai kya ?'
He gets wild and yells ...'Bola na naahi. Abhi vapas aaya to hathoda marunga sar ke upar'

The next day,the parrot comes again and asks him ..'hathoda hai kya ?'
The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi'

The parrot then asks ... 'Aam hai kya ?'

The next day parrot again goes to shopkeeper and asks
"Aam hai kya??"

The shopkeeper is ready now....
He quickly pulls a hammer and hits the parrot on the face.

The parrot looses all his teeth
But determined, parrot again goes 2 the shopkeeper next day n asks

Scroll Down

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

"AAM KA JUICE HAI KYA???" ;)

Taking Decisions

The manager of a large corporation suffers a heart attack and the doctor tells him to go to a farm to relax. The guy goes to a farm, and after a couple of days he is very bored, so he asks the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer tells him to clean up all the cow manure. The farmer thought that for somebody coming from the city, working his whole life sitting in a plush office, it will take him over a week to finish the job, but to his surprise the manager finishes the job in less than a day.

The next day the farmer gives to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer is sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes are still empty.

The farmer asks the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first 2 days, and you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I've been cutting heads and dealing with crap, but now you ask me to take decisions!" ;)

Collywood Heads !!!

On walking into the Office, the Manager of the Company noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.

He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such

A personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn 5000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the Manager took out his wallet and removed 15000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here
I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty!Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.

Noticing a few onlookers, the Manager said in a very upset manner,

"And that applies to everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man I just fired?"

To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"

Moral : while looking at stars , see what lies at your feet....or.....!!!

Abilities

Two camels (a mother and a baby) were lazing around,when suddenly baby camel said.

Baby: "mother, mother, can I ask you some question?"

Mother: "sure! why son, is there something bothering you?"
Baby: "why do camel have humps?"
Mother: "well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store water and we are known to survive without water."

Baby: "okay, then why are our legs long and our feet rounded."
Mother:"Son, obviously they are meant for walking in the desert. You know with these legs I can move around the desert better than anyone ",said the mother proudly.

Baby: "okay, said baby camel. "then why are our eye Lashes long? Sometimes it is bothering my sight." said baby camel.
Mother: "my son, those long thick eye lashes are your Protective cover. They help to protect your eyes from the desert sand and wind." Said mother camel with eyes brimming with pride.

Baby: "I see. So the hump is to store water when we are in the desert, the legs are for walking through the desert and these eyelashes protect my eyes from the desert. Then what the hell are we doing here in a zoo???"

MORAL OF THE STORY :
SKILLS, KNOWLEDGE, ABILITIES AND EXPERIENCE
ARE ONLY USEFUL IF YOUR MANAGER GIVES OPPORTUNITY!!  ;)