Blame theory

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Collywood Tiger

Lady to Santa: your doggy looks like a tiger, what do you feed him ?

Santa: He was a tiger , His face look like a dog since he started running for career growth,  increment & promotion.

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Increment !!!

Employee: Sir, I haven't linked my account to Aadhar. But I still got gas subsidy...!!!

HR department: that's not the gas subsidy. That's your increment...!!

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Dice ...

HR during increment gave dice to employee & said:  If you get 1,2,3,4,5 No increment for you

Employee asked: and what if  6 comes ?

HR: I suppose you have never played 'LUDO' .......you will get a change to roll the dice again.....

Collywood Rocks !!!!

Collywood Job

Getting job in Collywood is like choosing from many girlfriends, though u get the most beautiful, understanding, intelligent , sexy etc...................

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But , still u feel the pain of losing the other ones .

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood New Dialouge

One Collywood employee : mere pass bada ghar hai, badi gadi hai, achi salary hai, branded kapde hai, saal mein do baar foreign tour karta hu, ehh tere pass kya hai ???

Second employee : mere pass chota ghar hai par EMI nahin hai , mere pass choti gadi hai par bina EMI ki hai, chota mobile hai Woh bhi EMI mein nahin hai, credit card ki bhi full limit baki hai, aur sab se jyada ek ache boss hai jo waqt par ghar jane dete hai aur family ke saath time bitane dete hai !!! Lol...

Collywood Rocks !!!

Reality

Collywood Reality :
An employee does exceptional work, gets accolades, awards, promotions , kudos etc etc etc.

Then some sting operations happen, internally or externally, and the same employee is screwed / kicked out of organization ..... Lol

I wonder why the same was not found, or was it was ignored, since all the praises would have not been awarded at all levels.

Still Collywood Rocks !!!

Moral : to be doing nothing, earning all praises & escaping the pain, you should be sitting very high in hierarchy in Collywood ..... ;)

Collywood Success Mantras ( Old but True )

If you are not well informed in the job you might miss a great oppurtunity.

Always let your boss have the first say.

To be sitting & doing nothing , you must be sitting very very high up.

Bull shit may get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
Not everyone gets you out of shit is your friend.
& when you are in deep shit, it's better to keep your mouth shut.
Collywood Rocks !!!

Hindi Movie Dialouge rephrased for Collywood :

Movie "Wednesday" dialouge rephrashed for Collywood :

Manager : Tum kaun ho ????

Collywood Employee :

Kaun hu mein ?????? mein woh hu jo aaj commitment karne se darta hai, mein woh hu jo ghar jane se darta hai, yeh soch ke kahin ghar wale pehchaan ne se inkar na kar de...

Mein woh hoon jo aaj job change karta hai to sochta hia ki kahin recession mein mujhe company se naa nikal de...

Mein woh hoon jiski biwi use roz phone 10 baar karti hai aur bolti hai " kya kar rahe ho...?? kaam jyada hai kya ...?? thak gaye ho ...???

Woh mera haal puchne ke liye nahin, kaam kaisa chal raha hai puchne ke liye nahin, par woh janne ke liye ke mein feild mein kaam kar raha hu ya pressure mein akar kahin bethke daru pi raha hu...

Mein woh hu jo breakfat ke time per dinner, dinner ke time per lunch aur lunch ke time per breakfast kar raha hai..

Mein woh hu aksar fasta hai ... kabhi interview ke sawaal mein, kabi badi companiyo ke jaal mein, yah phir apne BOSS ke bawaal mein.

Kabhi aur kahin interview ki bheed dekho, to un mese koi bhi chehra dhundh lena...Woh Mein Hu.

I am just a stupid normal employee !!!!

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood current professionalism

2 best friends & collegues in the same company had gone for trekking & stayed in the jungle.

While roaming around both see a lion coming towards them.

1st Friend starts tying his shoe laces.

2nd Friend : what r u trying to do , do you think you can run faster than the lion.

... 1st Friends : All am I trying to do is run faster than you.

Moral : ???????????????? is it fair to write moral ??????????

Collywood Sea :

Sea is common for all
Some ( super bosses ) take pearls,

Some ( bosses ) take fishes,
Some( Generally we)  come out just with just wet legs!

World is common to all; what we get, is what we try for !!! so keep trying !!!!

Still Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Reality

A manager from top ranks met with a road accident & died.

His soul goes up & he finds God waiting for him.

God tells him that he was done is deed on earth & hence he wants to give him 2 choices of heaven & hell.

God tells him to go in the lift so that he can see the hell first.

The manager goes in the lift which takes him down down down to hell.

On reaching hell he sees good scenary, green grasses & party going on , when he gets near the party he find his past collegues & friends dancing & singing happily & enjoying the host of food & drinks, he also joins him & enjoys the same.

Now god asks him to visit the heaven

he again climbs the lift & goes up up up to heaven.

he enjoys the entire day playing harp with good atmosphere & scenery, enjoys best of food also.

God then asks him his choice....the manager promptly replies Hell.

The god tells him to board the lift to hell.

The manager climbs the lift & goes down down down to Hell.

When he reaches hell he finds barren land, worst of climate & people in torn rags.

Man get disappointed & shouts at god that he had cheated him.

God answers
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yesterday we were recruiting you
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today you are an employee !!!

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood : Do you want a Off ????

There are 365 days this year.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days avail...able.

With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only one day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!

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Still you want a off ?????????

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood after appraisal humour :

Manager : This is your revised salary structure , keep it confidential.

Employee : Don't worry sir , I am equally ashamed of it.

Lol !!!

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood - what managers do

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee".

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up".

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then ju...st walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee".

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway"?

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day.

Collywood Rocks !!!

A fundamental for success in collywood :

"If you do not like any rule just follow it, Reach the top and then Change IT..!!"

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Vintage

Shri Krishna Gita Saars was written for benefit for society & oneself , but current Collywood Scenario ( bosses ) have given meaning to it. ( Lol... I wished Shri Krishna would have worked in Collywood ) ( Friends this is just humour, no religious offence please ).

Tu karta vahi hai jo tu chahta hai
Par hota woh hai jo mein chahta hu
Tu wahi kar jo mein chahta hu
Phir vahi ho...ga jo tu chahta hai !!!!

Main kabhi kisi ke sath pakshpaat nahi karta,main keval dharm ka sath deta hoon.
Jo dharm ka acharan karta hai,woh mera apna hai aur jo adharm ka sath deta hai,wo mere liye paraya hai.

Jo hua,woh achchha hua,
Jo ho raha hai,woh bhi achchha ho raha hai,
Jo hoga,woh bhi achchha hi hoga....
Tum phal ki chinta chhodkar keval apna karm karo...............

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Current Scenario

Senior Manager working in Collywood , as usual after lunch goes to the cafeteria for coffee.

He relaxes in canteen. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there.

To Kill time he decides to have fun with him. He calls him.

Senior Manager Asks canteen boy : How much do you earn?

Canteen boy smiles.

Senior Manager- what are your future plans?

Canteen boy keeps quiet.

Senior Manager- where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?

Canteen boy gives a cold stare.

Senior Manager- Jab mai company mein degree leke aaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuch nahi tha.
Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai

naam hai...

shohrat hai...

paisa hai...

Izzat Hai...

tumhare paas kya hai?


(Scroll down to find out his answer)


Don't think that he answered like Shashi Kapoor of Deewar ki 'Mere paas Maa hain'

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Canteen boy - Sa'ab mere paas bahut KAAM hai... Jo Tumare pas naheen hai!

Senior Manager leaves the cafeteria silently.

Collywood still Rocks !!!

Collywood Post Appraisal Trauma ( gujarati )

Dhiraj Dhari Pan Fal Sara Na Malya,
Kahevu Hatu Pan Shabdo Na Sathwara Na Malya,
Kadar Karta Rahya Ame Akha Varsh Bijani,
Pan Afsos Amari Kadar Karnara Koi Na Malya....

Collywood Rocks !!!

Collywood Reality

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life

How it changed from a maverick college life to strict professional life…...

How tiny pocket money changed to huge monthly paychecks
but then why it gives lesss happiness….

How a few local denim jeans changed to new branded wardrobe
but then why there are less people to use them

How a single plate of samosa changed to a full Pizza or burger
But then why there is less hunger…..

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed…..

How a bike always in reserve changed to bike always on
but then why there are less places to go on……

How a small coffee shop changed to cafe coffee day
but then why its feels like shop is far away…..

How a limited prepaid card changed to postpaid package
but then why there are less calls & more messages……

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life

How it changed…...

How a general class journey changed to Flight journey
But then why there are less vacations for enjoyment….

How a old assembled desktop changed to new branded laptop
but then why there is less time to put it on……….

How a small bunch of friends changed to office mate
But then why we always feel lonely n miss those college frnz.….

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed….. How it changed……..