Job Profile

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller,

One guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

 

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work as a Manager.   Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?" ;)

Collywood March Time !!!

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is “average”.
UMA: What? How come ‘average’?
Big Boss: Because…err…uhh…you lack domain knowledge.
UMA: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.
Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.
UMA: What???
Big Boss: Yes, I didn’t see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.
UMA: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.
Big Boss: This is what I don’t like about you. You give excuse for everything.
UMA: Huh? *Confused*
Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.
UMA: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on “Business Communication”, you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?
Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr…well..I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.
UMA: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*
Big Boss: See! That’s why you need to learn about it.
UMA: *head spinning*
Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.
UMA: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.
Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err…anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only ‘average’.
UMA: Last year that process gave me ‘excellent’. This year just ‘average’?Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?
Big Boss: That’s a complicated process. You don’t want to hear.
UMA: I’ll try to understand. Go ahead.
Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names ofsub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets ‘average’, whichever lands on table gets ‘good’,whichever we manage to catch gets ‘excellent’ and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets ‘outstanding’.
UMA: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets ‘poor’ rating?
Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.
UMA: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for’outstanding’?
Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!
UMA: *faints*
Note: U M A – U, Me or Anyone    !!!! Collywood Rocks !!! ;)

Relaxation Techniques !!!

Just sit back, relax, feel the tension leave your body ... picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Butterflies waft in the breeze. Leaves rustle. Nothing can bother you here. Nobody knows this secret place. You are in complete seclusion from that place called 'the office'. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water !!!

There now........ don't you feel better? ...collywood rocks ;)

Relaxation Techniques !!!

Just sit back, relax, feel the tension leave your body ... picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Butterflies waft in the breeze. Leaves rustle. Nothing can bother you here. Nobody knows this secret place. You are in complete seclusion from that place called 'the office'. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water !!!

There now........ don't you feel better? ...collywood rocks ;)

Victory in Collywood !!!

Victory in collywood :
there are 4 stages for victory in collywood ( read somewhere...thought worth sharing ).
1) They ignore you.
2) They make fun of you.
3) They attack you.
.
.
.
.
4) You Win.
Friends , keep you moral high, continue your good work...someone is watching & all good & harwork will be repaid sooner or later. collywood rocks !!! ;)

Offsite !

A team is given an assignment on offsite visit to measure the height of the flagpole, so they went with the leader ( who generally is the manager ) with ladder & tape, The manager tried but just fell off the ladder or dropped tapes & thing messed.

A young employee of the team sees what he is doing, tells the manager to step aside, pulls the flagpole off the ground, lays it flat & measures it.

He gives the measurement to the manager.

Manager : what a stupid guy he is ?  we were asked to measure the height & he gives us the length of flagpole !!!

Moral : No matter what good you do , the managers never appreciates someone smarter than him !!! Collywood Rocks !!!

Expectations !!!

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."  ;)

Language Problem ...

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

moral : When money speaks ...no one checks the language.

What matter it that who is your boss !!!

It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."
Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
Fox: "That's ridiculous ! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.

A bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd !"
Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"

Scene : As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion, who kills & eats the bear.

Management Lesson in the context of the working world: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU OR NOT

Collywood employee !!!

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young wealth managers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. xyz, are you an honest employee ?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my previous company lent me 150,000 , and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case in my next job."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.

The wealth manager squirmed in his seat and admitted, "they had sued me for the money."

Boss Baffled !!!

The Manager of a large company was scheduled to speak at an important presentation, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

A few minutes later when the Manager returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for." ;)

Self Insult

Boss shouting at employee : You Idiot, have you seen any donkey who comes to work, does nothing, shows attitude etc etc etc !!!

Employee looks down while listening ?

Boss : Why are you looking down....look at me :P